Dear Queenie, I read a lot of your columns and I like your answers. My situation is similar to the “Switched Roles” but not exactly. I have been married 10 years to a man 22 years older than me (now I am 40; my first marriage, his third); we have a 3.5-yr.old and a 0.5-yr.old (he also has a 42-yr.old and a 27-yr.old), who was a colleague of my father’s.
I now know all the reasons I fell for him then, but they are not valid anymore. I’ve done a lot of therapy and spiritual work, and I believe that I sensed back then that he wouldn’t leave me during all that upheaval, he was so “solid” and “loyal”. Now I just perceive it as being passive and dishonest.
I am increasingly displeased with my nagging and contemptuous behaviour towards him, and he plays on it, making me feel guilty for considering leaving him, “breaking up the family”, etc.
I am earning the $$$, he keeps house and tends the children. If he was grateful and loving towards me, it could be good, but he seems to prefer suffering (he’s from a former totalitarian regime) to sharing feelings and showing compassion. I hate to put myself higher or ahead of him, but I do feel dragged down.
My Christian values sometimes say that I should be kind and help him to “see the light”, but sometimes I think that God could not want me to be unhappy for the rest of my life.
I am not in any other relationship, but I don’t have eyes for him only anymore, and in that way I feel that I’ve already betrayed our marriage. On the other hand, there hasn’t been anything to betray (baby #2 was a one-time thing, there’s been no sex for 3 years).
Perhaps the marriage could be resurrected (I mean therapy), for he isn’t stupid, just totally passive (the medieval horoscope classifies him as “knight on a white horse” and me as “shepherd”). However, I know I could initiate/direct/produce a “happy ending”, but it would not convince me anymore the way I convinced (fooled) myself the first few years.
OK, I think you get the idea. Is it all right for me to walk? — Dana
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Dana, sorry I can’t give you the approval you want. It has to be your decision because you’ll be living with the consequences.
There isn’t “anything to be betray” just because you haven’t had sex for 3 years? Is that what you think fidelity is all about? You really need to do more research to understand just what marriage vows are all about.
It sounds as though you have everything all analyzed and figured out and you’re ready to make your move. I hope older men are reading this as they consider dumping their wives for younger women and that younger women are reading this as they consider marrying men who are considerably older than they are. Maybe your story will cause someone to reconsider before they make a move in the wrong direction. — Queenie