Dear Queenie, I have been dating my girlfriend for nearly a year now. Recently, she got herself into a bind and needed a place to stay, so I offered her to stay here for a few weeks.
This is a suggestion that I, not even 24 hours after moving her in, have seriously regretted. I spent a day and a half helping her move, and then, when she was finally situated, got to work on reports that I had to finish, which I had told her about before hand. (I am a returned college student, so I work and school full time.)
When I came home today, I cuddled with her and asked about her day at work, and how she was doing. After which, I went to exercise and study as is my weekday routine – so that I get what I need to done. Well, she immediately lost her temper with me, upset that I opted to exercise instead of spend more time with her then, and also that I had spent the previous night doing homework.
I tried to explain that her staying wasn’t all fun and games, that we both had responsibilities that needed to be met, but she told me I was being selfish and that it’s always about me. She told me that I had for days been behaving this way, at which I became very confused as I thought I had been giving her a lot of time and attention,… anyway, we had a long and exhausting argument, which really felt like nothing but butting heads the whole time.
When it was done, in trying to keep the peace, I put aside my studies and made a light dinner. After which, she had to go to bed as she has work early in the morning. So, I gave her some kisses goodnight, and went off to do my studies for the day, at which she again got upset, this time that due to our differing schedules, we probably won’t be going to bed together often. Again, trying to keep the peace, I went to bed.
However, I can’t sleep. I know that I can’t live like this, even for a little while. If I don’t do what she wants, I’m dubbed selfish, if I don’t agree with her, I’m incorrigible and “can’t be talked to”, and on top of this, she doesn’t seem capable of doing a lot of simple things by herself, or more specifically, she doesn’t seem to try.
I have been with her for a long time, and I knew that she was like this to a degree, but I was hoping that this abrupt change of circumstances would force her to grow up a little, but… maybe I’m not being patient, I don’t know. What I do know is that she has already become a burden; I feel like I’m babysitting. I can’t stop thinking that she’s the selfish person, and even more so, she’s childish and rude. However, if I confess all this to her now, particularly my dying desire to continue to be her boyfriend, I believe this will only make the situation worse.
I can’t kick her out, as she really has no other place to go, having little savings and not being able to afford temporary residence and save for first month apartment fees at the same time, but I can’t continue to live like this either. I feel that I have to say something, but I don’t think there is a paradigm of tact I can utilize that will be a soft approach on this one; I don’t think there is a way to escape being the bad guy.
Is there a win-win situation? Can I get her to shape up, grow up, and mellow out, restoring the quickly aborted sanity of the house without kicking her out? What do you suggest for a resolution that minimizes the damage factor? Please advise!
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In a way, this bad situation could end up saving you a lot of heartache and money in the future. You’ve learned now that she is extremely high maintenance and very selfish, caring only about herself. You could have married her and then found out and I would imagine that if she had that legal “ring” through your nose, she’d be much worse than she is now.
I don’t know if there is any easy way to resolve this. I think you need to tell her the current live-together situation isn’t working out and she needs to find another place to live. You don’t have to incur her wrath by telling her how selfish she is just tell her that right now you are unable to work a full time job and complete your education under the current circumstances. There are not enough hours in your day to do everything you need to do in order to prepare for your future, and be the attentive boyfriend she needs.
She’s going to yell and scream and call you selfish but at some point this will all end and you’ll be able to move on with your life in a more quiet and peaceful atmosphere. If you don’t get her out of your home you don’t need a crystal ball to see exactly what your life is going to be next week, next month, next year… and on and on.
Breaking up is not easy but in this case I don’t see that you have any options if she doesn’t accept the importance of your work/school load. — Queenie