Dear Queenie: I am a 40 year old divorced female. I have been dating R for 10 months he is 44 years old. We love each other dearly and we are talking about marriage. The problem is that he is still friends with his ex girlfriend, which I really consider to be his ex wife.
They were never married but the lived together for 10 years and broke up 4 years ago they never had children. He lives in X and she lives in Y. She calls him at least 2 to 3 times a month. I know it doesn?t sound like much but it drives me nuts. We do not live together he has his own place, the times I have found out that she is calling is because he line has been busy and when I ask him he tells me the truth. Of course that doesn?t bring a smile to my face.
I have mentioned to him how much this bothers me. Honestly I don?t feel he will ever stop talking to her, although he doesn?t call her she is the one that calls him. He tells me that they are only friends. She is 11 years his senior, in my hearts of hearts I know he is telling me the truth. I have no doubt that he does love me very much. But I can?t deny the fact that it does make me uncomfortable and he doesn?t seem to understand why.
During their 10 year relationship he took care of her when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. He also tells me she was with him when he was going thru rehab. He has been clean going on 6 years. He says they went thru a lot and that he will always care and be friends with her.
Is it normal for me to feel this way? I think about our future together, will I tolerate this situation when we get married? R has always been very honest and truthful to me, he also told me he told her about us, and that she was happy.
I wish he could understand my point or am I being unfair? Please reply and give me your honest opinion.
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I have been trying to figure out how to answer you without being unkind in my response because I realize you care very much for this man and you feel threatened by his continuing conversations with his ex.
The two of them, for whatever reasons, are no longer a couple but they have had the good fortune to remain friends. They have a lot of history and shared battles in their combined past that cannot be wiped out just because you don’t want them to remain in contact. It is unrealistic for you to expect his past life to be erased because you are now on the scene.
Make her your friend, not your enemy. If she is happy in her current life and he is happy in his, then you have nothing to worry about. Pushing him to drop all contact may have a negative impact on his feelings toward you.
Personally, I think you should keep your eyes open, your mouth shut, and don’t be so possessive that you force him into having to make a choice you may not like. That’s just my opinion, you’ll have to do what you think is best for you. — Queenie