Dear Queenie: This is a long one. Ever since I can remember my mother has been an alcoholic. I am not an only child, but sometime I feel as if I am. I have two older sisters that are 1 year apart from each other, and I am at least 9 yrs apart from the both of them. Even though they are older then me if seems as if I am the oldest of all three. See they come to me when they need help with things. I know they do that because we really can’t trust my mother to be sober enough to help us.
I have grown up pretty much normal. Well as normal as possible for a 25 year old whose mother is always drunk. My problem isn’t so much with me this time but with one of my older sister. She recently had her first child about 20 months ago. Besides that new add on she has two step children as well.
Well after the baby was born, my mother stopped drinking for about 9 months. Surprise, surprise she started drinking again. The major problem with that is that my mother watches all three children on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so that they (my sister and her husband) can go to the gym.
She doesn’t want to stop letting my mother watch the kids because she knows that my mother truly loves them. We three know that my mother has a problem, and have tried on many occasions to talk to her about this. She says the same thing every time. She says she drinks because she is depressed, or because her and my father got into a fight. She also says that it’s because she hasn’t gone out in a while with us.
In response to every thing she has said to me in the past, I have done something to help her. I take her to the movie, to dinner and even just go hang out with her. I try everything to make her happy, but it just one excuse after another.
Last night my sister and her husband went to pick up just the youngest boy from my mother house, the other two are with their mother for the summer. My brother in-law said my mother “reeked of liquor”. My sister said once they made it home that they got into a big fight over this. He no longer wants my mother to watch the boys. I totally agree with him.
But they are asking me what to do. I don’t know what to say to them. I mean, I know what can happen, and they do too. How do I tell my 33 year old sister to tell mom that she can’t watch the children any more. I mean, I’m only 25. I know that I have been the back bone of my family since I can remember but I don’t know what to say. I really need help with this. Can you help me?– Susie
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No, Susie, I can’t help you. And “no” is a word you should use whenever your adult, older than you, sister and her husband try to put you into a spot of responsibility regarding their family decisions.
Everyone leans on you because you let them. You enable them to be dependent. You help your mother not face the facts. You do it because you want to be a good child.
What you need to do is find a local chapter of Al-Anon and join so that you can get the support of others who are dealing with alcoholic partners, parents, family members. It’s not easy to live your life as the child of an alcoholic and that’s why support groups are invaluable.
As far as what your sister does? Apparently going to the gym is more important than making sure that her children are safe. Her priorities are screwed up but that’s really not your place to tell her or to assume her parental responsibilities — which she’d hand over in a second because it’s easier than being a responsible parent.
It’s really your choice right now. Either keep on enabling everyone or get support and break away from a situation that is less than tolerable. — Queenie