I am a 33 year old female who has been in a relationship for over a year and a half with a 38 year old man. He is a wonderful man, who is very kind and generous. We do not live together yet, and have an hour and 1/2 separating us. He owns a cottage in the area where I grew up with my family and this is where we met. We meet at his cottage on the weekends and we also try to get together one day through the week.
Every summer, my boyfriend has a group of people from his work come up to his cottage for a few days. There is a mixture of men and women, some of who are “attached” and some who are not. However, none of them bring their spouses.
I have told my boyfriend that this makes me uneasy and I find this very weird that everyone goes “single”. I told him that I really did not want to go, as I went for one night last year and felt very out of place. We were the only “couple” and I felt I had absolutely nothing in common with them.
They all took “group” pictures and talked about things I was not a part of. I felt like a fish out of water. Call me insecure, you are probably right, however, it makes me curious just what kind of relationship he has with these women? I mean, are they close? Should I feel threatened by this? I just don’t know what to make of this or what the right thing is to do. I certainly do not want to seem like I am making a big deal out of it.
On top of this, there is an old friend from High School that has been contacting me by e-mail on a regular basis for two years now. He wants me to go out in his boat one day with him and rehash old times as friends. I have been resisting his advances because, number one, I am in a relationship that I am very happy with and would not want to do anything to jeopardize it, and number two, I don’t think my boyfriend would “think it is appropriate”.
So, it looks like I have several questions here.
1) Am I right to feel insecure about his work buddies coming up “solo”. Should I feel threatened by that?
2) Is it OK for me to say I don’t want to be there without it becoming an issue between us?
3) If it is OK for him to have these women up to his cottage, is it OK for me to spend a day with this old friend boating? I mean, it is the same thing, isn’t it? The problem is that I would feel that I am betraying him if I do.
I would appreciate any feedback you can give me. — Penny
……………………………………..
Penny, I think you’re questioning his loyalty based upon the two year email relationship you’ve had with your friend from high school. Guilt has a way of transferring from where it belongs to someone who doesn’t deserve it.
So, getting to your questions:
1) If your relationship is on rocky ground then feeling insecure and threatened is probably natural.
2) Only you know whether this will be an issue.
3) The old “eye for an eye” response? Bad game to play.
Maybe you do feel like a ‘fish out of water’ around his co-workers but if you’re planning on a long term commitment with him isn’t it about time you acted like you belonged with him regardless of the situation? If he wants you at the cottage, then I seriously doubt there’s anything going on between him and any of the other women. Now if he tells you he doesn’t want you there, then you might have a reason to worry.
My vote is to go and try to have a good time with the guy you love. Whichever one that may be. — Queenie