My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 and a half years. It has been a long distance relationship for most of that time, although we have had periods where we’ve spent up to 5 months together.
About a year ago, he asked me if we could go on a break. We were both going through changes in our careers so our lives were changing a lot, and I agreed it might be a good idea. His reasons were mainly that we both have had had no experience really of being single – both not been single since we were 15.
I found someone else very quickly, completely on the rebound, and when my boyfriend heard he quickly asked for us to get back together. I was reluctant because I thought he was only doing it to stop me falling for someone else, but after a month or so of talking and falling in love again we got back together.
I was completely happy and had thrown myself wholeheartedly back into our relationship, but 2 weeks ago he again asked to go on a break, for the same reasons as before. He says he wants to know what life is like on the other side – not having to plan his life around seeing me, not saving money for when we’re together, and not feeling as though he has to text me or ring me.
He says that he loves me, wants to be with me in the future, wants to get married and have children with me. However right NOW he is worried that the grass is greener on the other side and he doesn’t want to look back when he’s old and have regrets. I think he wishes he’d met me now after a few years of being single.
I’m finding it very difficult to accept this. I feel like we are a very unusual couple – we never fight, when we disagree or have problems with any aspect of our lives we can talk about it, we’re always very loving and supportive of each other, we have an great sex life, and I know its a cliche but we are each other’s best friends as well as lovers.
Every day since the break I see or hear about couples who have terrible problems and I feel really annoyed with my boyfriend because we have a wonderful relationship and he could be throwing it away because of ‘what ifs’.
I’m trying to look forward and maybe go on dates, but I just want him. He’s being very supportive and has called me several times to check I’m ok. I know he cares for me and loves me, but is unhappy with our situation. I don’t know what is best to do. I want him to be happy, and I know that to do it he has to sort these worries out that he is having. Its breaking my heart though and I’m so frightened about losing him.
I don’t know if its best to try and move on for now, and see how he feels when we see each other again in a month, or stay faithful to him but give him the space he wants? He’s the man I want to spend the rest of my life with – I want to marry him, have children and grow old together. He’s just perfect for me, we fit together so well. I don’t want us to split up just because of what he might be missing now, and I’m scared that if we do we both may regret it in the future.
……………………………………
Apparently he doesn’t want you right now, but he also doesn’t want anyone else to have you just in case he decides that he wants you later on. Lots of people are like this, they want to keep their “dependable lover” waiting for them just in case they need someone to come back to if things don’t work out with someone else.
If you can live with this terms, then do it. Wait, put your life on hold, and maybe he’ll decide that you really are the one and only person for him. How much time do you have, how much of this best part of your life do you want to give up while he goes out and lives life without you? If you’re safely waiting for him, he has no reason to hurry back. Why should he? When he’s ready (if he ever is) you’ll be there.
I think relationships should be equal. If he wants his freedom, doesn’t want to have to text you or ring you or otherwise feel some sense of commitment while he checks out the grass elsewhere… then it’s only right that you have the same exact options. If not, if the two of you do end up together later on, he will have already “sown his oats” but you’ll be the one dissatisfied.
So maybe you’ll meet someone and maybe that someone will suit you fabulously and maybe your current boyfriend will have lost out. That’s the chance you take with him grazing in the other grass. It’s the gamble each of you take. Don’t make his gamble risk free. Let him have his freedom but you take yours, too.
If you’re meant to survive as a couple, you will. If not, you’ll find that out, too. — Queenie