My boyfriend and I have a great relationship except for one problem: He and I are both divorced and we are both on good terms with our exes. I speak to my ex about once a week on the phone and see him about once a month for lunch.
The problem is that I completely hate it when he spends any time with his ex. First of all, they remained living together long after their divorce (years). Secondly, they work together every day and have lunch together often. Yet, he still wants to go spend time with her for an evening about once a month.
He has never invited me to come along and he knows how hurt and angry this makes me. I feel like I am secondary to her and always will be. He says that they are not in love anymore and that they are just friends and his friends are like his family because he doesn’t have any. I feel that if he ever wants us to be married and have a family (which he says he wants) he must let go of his past.
Every time it happens we have huge fights and he still leaves to go see her. I feel like he’s choosing her over me. I told him how I feel and we can’t seem to come to a solution on this issue. It’s getting to the point where I just can’t handle it anymore. Am I wrong for feeling this way? What should I do? — Bobbi
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Bobbi, he may feel intimidated by the contact you have with you ex and some of his visits with his ex may be in retaliation. Or, the two of them may not have resolved their relationship entirely.
When the current relationship partner is not welcomed in a friendship a partner has with another person, there is a problem. If you and his ex were friends and you were welcome to join them when they get together (and the same with you and your ex) then I’d say you were blowing things out of proportion. Since that’s not the case, well, I wouldn’t be comfortable either.
You and he need to talk about this. If the two of you want to take your relationship further you need to put the exes into the past. Let them work on their new lives free of your influence, also. Anyone new in their lives is apt to be just as uncomfortable with the contact you have with your ex and he has with his.
Just my opinion. — Queenie