Queenie, I am going to cut this as short as possible. I am 21 years old and married with a two year old son. I have been married three years. During our three year marriage, my husband and I have separated well over five times.
Time number two we each decided to see other people, within three months we were back together. The problem there was that my husband had found a girl and she was pregnant by him…she later miscarried. That totally crushed me that he would go to that extreme just a month after us separating.
The last three times he has left on his own, things had been going smoothly, no fighting… nothing. He just decided to leave, he couldn’t even give me a reason except for “the newness wore off.” I do my best to treat him well, I feel like that is a one way street.
When we are goofing around he gets upset and hits me ten times harder that I hit him, I mean I am not strong. He leaves bruises on me all the time but he never has one. I can always tell when he is getting ready to leave again because of the way he begins to act. He gets really short fused and yells at me, and says really mean things to me.
I have several issues with my husband, including his mother, whom speaks badly of all my family including me, to him but he refuses to say anything for us. My parents help us financially, and let us live in their home rent free. His hygiene is awful, he has let his teeth rot because he does not brush his teeth, I mean you name it. He lies to me on a daily basis, about money, things his mother has said, and about stupid stuff that doesn’t even matter. He lies just to say he did it. He also promised me before we wed that he would go to college, now he refuses.
Well, here is where it gets bad. I have a very good friend of eight years, we have known each other longer than my husband and I. We have had nothing but friendship. The problem is I had wanted a relationship with my friend for years prior to meeting my husband. Two weeks into dating my husband, my friend let me know he had feelings for me and he wrote me a beautiful letter, showering me with compliments. I never receive compliments from my husband, however during our dating time I did.
My friend is in the military and plans to be somebody and go to college. He is everything I wish that my husband was and then some. Knowing that my husband will be leaving soon just makes me long for a relationship with my friend in the mean time. I can’t even stand for my husband to touch me while we are in bed each night, it makes me cringe. I feel guilty for thinking of my friend while laying next to my husband. I mean my friend is amazing.
My question is should I feel guilty? I have dreams just about every night of my friend and I together. Sometimes I feel like I am trying to prepare myself for my husband leaving but on the other hand I still feel guilty. I have not chosen the path my husband and I have been traveling… he has. I give and give but never get. I don’t really feel sorry for myself but I also believe in the saying “Do not accept less than you deserve.” I feel like that is exactly what I have with my husband… less than I deserve. Please give me some advice… are my feelings wrong? Thanks! — TORN
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Are your feelings wrong? The feelings you have for your military friend are wrong because he is not your husband, he is a friend from your past that you dream about and give all the qualities that you wish your husband had. Reality is that your friend could have some very bad qualities himself which would only come to light if you were in the type of close relationship you are in with your husband.
Yes you have helped choose the path that you and your husband are on. You chose to marry him and so far you choose to stay with him despite the problems within the marriage. There must have been some feelings of love between the two of you when you married… weren’t there? Or did you just have a need to get married because you felt you were ready?
It didn’t require much effort on your husband’s part to get a girl pregnant while the two of you were separated — he just had unprotected sex. The worse part of that means he probably doesn’t wear protection when he has sex with other women which puts you at high risk for any number of sexually transmitted diseases. That should worry you more than the fact he got someone pregnant.
Look at your current life. You are a 21-year old mother of a 2-year old living with your husband in your parents’ home rent-free and accepting money from them. You want your husband to leave so that you can get together with your dream man and have the type of life you feel you deserve.
What happens if your husband leaves again and your dream guy doesn’t come to your rescue? Can you possibly believe that he has put his entire life on hold waiting for you to come to him? What if he isn’t interested in a ready-made family?
I’m not saying that you should stay in your marriage because it seems, from what you have described, that there is very little to stay for as well as the abusive nature of the relationship between the both of you. Hitting each other is not the way to show love. But, to end your marriage expecting to immediately get into a relationship with someone else is the wrong reason to go.
I, personally, think you need counseling to set some goals for your life that you can achieve without waiting for others to take care of you. I don’t know if your marriage is worth saving — that’s another choice you have to make if your husband doesn’t make it for you. Life isn’t easy but you have a child to think about and he should be your primary concern. — Queenie