My story is long and my question complex due to the past few years. I met two men around the same time frame and chose the one who seemed to be the less of a threat to my heart. I Married him but always harbored feelings for the other who made me feel “scared” you know that feeling you get when you are up high and you look below? I Married the one who made me feel “safe”. I realize now why I thought I chose him and cut all ties with the other man (the unsaf one).
This so called “safe” man was the most dangerous encouncter as after we were Married with a baby, and I find out everything about him was a lie. He has since then been diagnoised as a “Sociopath” and I am in the process of an annulment.
After the break of our relationship I did contact the “unsafe” man who again swept me off my feet. I have tried so hard to deny him and my feelings toward him but he reads my thoughts and feels my grief. I can not lie to him and I realize I can no longer lie to myself….(yes, I am in Therapy).
I find it hard to hold his gaze as often look away catching my breath. It is not that I am only turned on by him in a “sexual sense” but more in an “overall” sense. He and I are Best of Friends and I was OK until we crossed over that line. Now I find myself “sexually” intimidated by him since I know everything about him and him about me.
We do realize our feelings run dep for one another and I need to do some healing before I can be good for anyone else. My number one concern is being the best Mom I can be to my children however, I find myself having a difficult time swimming up this stream. When we do have encounters he has had a difficult time finishing (tying to put this subtly).
He nor I have ever had this difficulty in any other relationship and he always makes certain he pleases me. I know he has some major stressors taking place in his life right now but I am wondering if there is anything I can do to help him feel “safe” I feel he is afraid to “unveil” his heart although he does not verbalize this to me.
If nothing else I believe our friendship is one that is true, strong, with much love and compassion that if we do not end up together we will at least know we are both capable of accepting love. He makes me feel it is “OK” to love and that is why I love him (this is the first time I have ever admitted I love him). — Diana
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Diana, you are very lucky to be in a relationship that brings you so much happiness even if it does have problems. It’s good that you are in therapy and that you are putting your children’s welfare first at the present time — after your own, of course.
Regardless of the stresses that this man might be facing right now, you need to concentrate all your effort on yourself. You’re dealing with a lot that doesn’t involve him and those issues should be your priority until they’re resolved. Once you’re past your annulment and all that involves, and farther along in therapy, you’ll be better equipped to take on some of his issues if that’s what you want to do.
Have you discussed this with your therapist? — Queenie