I have a problem that has been detrimental to all my relationships. I was raised in a family that punished me for showing any sort of emotional need. I was supposed to be the one who supported everyone else, but I never received any kind of warmth or kindness in return.
This seems to spill over into my relationships with men. I have no idea what “normal” emotional needs are, and I’m terrified of seeming too needy. As a result, I have traditionally ended up in relationships where I give everything and receive nothing.
I’ve been trying to sort this out for a while now. My therapist informed me that I ought to be able to identify my needs and ask for them to be filled. On the other hand, he said that I am indeed a “strange” person, and not a woman who would be widely sought after, so I would need to understand that I can’t expect very much from a relationship. Sounds like a catch-22 to me. And when I ask what I SHOULD be able to expect, he just waffles.
So– you’ve been around, and you are wise in the ways of relationships. Tell me, is it acceptable to want your boyfriend to hug you and give you a kiss once a week? Is it acceptable to expect him to listen to you when you are having a bad day (since you perform the same service for him)? Is it OK to want to feel a little bit special once in a while? To want to be told when you do something RIGHT for a change?
Secondly, what the heck is a woman who wouldn’t be “widely sought after?” I have on fairly good authority that I am a nice, warm, generous, loyal person, with a decent personality, pretty face, and a good moral code. I don’t nag, and I’m not the sort of woman who leads men around by the nose, trying to extort presents.
All I really want is a decent guy who’s moderately affectionate and wants a quiet, committed relationship– no drama queens. So what am I doing wrong? Or is my therapist right? Should I just give up and get a cat instead?
I would appreciate any ideas or suggestions. — Dweller Behind the Threshhold
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I hate to disagree with a “professional” but it sounds as though your therapist might be better off with a cat than with you as a client. It’s true you should identify your needs and then be able to ask for them. But to basically say that because of the “special” type of woman you are you will have to settle for whatever shabby treatment is tossed your way is just ridiculous.
You are expressing the type of needs anyone wants and needs. They are legitimate. They are OK. For you, for me, for most everyone in a love relationship. You DESERVE to be treated with kindness, respect, warmth, and tenderness. You DESERVE to be cherished.
Don’t sell yourself short and settle for crumbs despite your therapist’s words of “wisdom”. — Queenie