Dear Queenie – I’m in a nerve-wracking situation. Two weeks ago, my boyfriend of nearly 3 years proposed to me with an over-the top engagement ring. It’s gorgeous, but I find it slightly irresponsible because he/we have no sort of savings.
That’s beside the point. My parents love him, I love him – BUT… I’ve had feelings for my ex-boyfriend since we met when I was 19. I’ve thought about him every day since we met, and we still keep in contact. We have amazing conversations, and I really imagined one day that WE would end up together.
He lives in California, I in New York, and his work constantly sends him overseas. The man I’m with is everything my ex never was, and vice versa. They’re like two halves to my ideal man.
My question is not necessarily which one to choose, but whether I should even consider getting married if I’m conflicted and preoccupied thinking about someone other than my betrothed. It’s not too late to postpone the engagement, but if I do I will most likely lose one of the best men the Earth has to offer. I need someone to smack some sense in to me. Very confusedly yours — Samantha
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Samantha, is it better to lose “one of the best men the Earth has to offer” now or become half-heartedly engaged and either end it before marrying him — guaranteeing a major broken heart — or go through a messy divorce?
Dating is the time when you sort out your priorities before settling down with “the one” for what should be a lifetime of commitment. Right now, with you having your ex constantly on your mind, you definitely aren’t ready to commit to your current boyfriend no matter how big the ring is.
Your boyfriend deserves only the best and so do you. Is he “the one” for you? Are you “the one” for him? You both have to be in sync on this for it to work. And, even then, it might not… if you’ve been keeping tabs on Brad and Jennifer lately.
My suggestion? Be honest with this great guy. Tell him you’re not sure if you’re ready to settle down. Tell him you think that before the two of you make the final commitment that the both of you should take a “time out” and date other people.
Oh, yes, it does sound like a break up and he might see it that way. But you aren’t ready to commit 100% to him until you get “Mr Wonderful” out of your head and heart. Maybe you could use the reasoning “if Brad and Jennifer can end a perfect marriage, what guarantee do we have that we’re going to last?” to soften the blow a bit.
That’s what I think. You have to do what you think is best for “you.” — Queenie