Dear Queenie, first of all, I want to say I think your advice is very sound and compassionate and I read your previous columns with great interest. But, none seems to relate to my exact problem.
I am 42 years old, never married, and have been trying for the last several years to find a serious partner. I do like men, and find them attractive, and yearn for a relationship. I’ve gone to singles club events, used the internet extensively, gone to parties and get-togethers, etc. etc.
Generally men find me attractive (even much younger ones) and I have met upwards of 60 men (usually just one time) in the last 3 years. Yet, not one has sparked my interest enough on a first meeting to want to have a long-term relationship with him.
In my past I had been in several long-term relationships, but usually with men I didnt like all that much but felt wouldnt be hurt by being with someone who didnt love them (they were players or just uninterested in me).
My question is, do you think there is any hope for me in finding a man? Should I keep on trying to meet people? Is it unreasonable to expect a “spark” on a first meeting? Or is there something seriously wrong with me? And is this a problem that other people also have?
Thanks sincerely for your time! — Daisy
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Hi Daisy, thanks for the comments. As far as your search is concerned, are you looking for “Mr. Perfect”? If you are, he doesn’t exist.
I suspect that you might be very scared of commitment and so you look for those men who are definite “Mr. Wrongs” for your long term relationships. Now that your biological clock is furiously ticking away you’re trying to find “Mr. Perfect” on the first date. It usually doesn’t happen that way.
Most people aren’t showing their true selves on first dates. They’re trying to make the best possible impression on someone they don’t know with no roadmap of what the other person’s interests, likes and dislikes are.
It takes time to really know someone and you’re not giving anyone that time. If you’re looking for a life companion, slow down. Go for quality, not quantity in the men you date. — Queenie