Hi – Thank you for your excellent column… I read it frequently and find it very helpful and enjoyable. Let’s see if I can consolidate my question sufficiently to entice you to give me your wisdom on it… I am a 28 year old professional, who up until 2 months ago was in a pretty serious 1 year relationship. That relationship was having its troubles in early June, when along came a 24 year old woman into my work environment who was just supposed to be here for the summer.
The 24 year old woman was in a relatively new relationship down in the state she is from. Well, suffice it to say that over the ensuing 8 weeks, an exciting, passionate, fairy-tale like romance started with the girl up for the Summer.
Usually I am pretty measured and controlled entering relationships, but I must say that I got quite swept up and smitten with this new girl (probably due to the fairy tale nature, and deficiencies in my then current long term relationship).
We spent the summer doing weekends away, dinners out, and just got swept away. I wound my old relationshp down very quickly as the new one began. The new girl in fact had a week long visit from the guy from home a month ago, but when he left town jumped right back into things with me.
Well, to make a long story short. I have ended things with the old girlfriend. The new girl tells me she has ended things mutually with the guy from home. I have questions about wether or not it is all the way over, but she says it is.
Now, I guess the proof is in the pudding: Last week she decided to extend her time here for another 6 months… She says this was for a variety of reasons, but I suspect it is truly to give things a chance with me. We are even at the point where we are telling eachother we love eachother. She is quite homesick, and misses her family and friends from there quite a bit.
I know the thing to do now is wind down the rapid, fairy-tale pace we had when I thought she was leaving this week. Now that she is staying, we should switch gradually into a more reasonable, slow pace to really get to know each other and see if it will work.
A few questions: Any ideas on how to go from break-neck weekends away, fairy tale speed into a more reasonable pace that won’t burn out and fade away? Also, she says she is quite homesick and misses her family and friends. Therefore, she is going home quite a bit on weekends over the next few weeks. She tells me for sure that things with the guy from home are over, but I can’t help but wonder…
On the one hand, looking at her actions she has decided to stay here so that is a real vote of confidence that she wants to give things a go with me. How do I realize over time if things with the guy from home are really over? How do I let her know that even if things with the guy from home are in shades of gray, that is ok as long as she is open with me.
I guess my suspicion, like many suspicions was raised by one stupid detail: One of the weekends she went home to visit her family, I saw her pack some lingerie underwear and a camisole top that she usually only wears on special nights with me. It is a stupid detail in light of her moving up here, but it got my mind racing!!
Please offer any thoughts you have. Thanks very much. Hope to hear from you, because my tendency right now is to be scared and maybe leave it behind. Curious what you think. — Joe
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Joe, when you get involved with someone who is involved with someone else it’s more difficult to put thoughts that she might do to you what she did to him out of your mind. It makes it doubly difficult when she spent a week with him in the middle of her time with you and then quickly jumped back into the relationship with you when he left.
She might be trying to decide between the two of you or she might genuinely just want to spend some time at home. Of course, if things are sizzling between the two of you like you suggest I can’t imagine her wanting to spend weekends away.
Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt. Trust her. Tell her that you want an honest relationship with communication at all levels; if she has doubts about your relationship you need to know.
Since she does need this time away, don’t spend your time sitting by the phone or worrying what she’s doing. Go out with friends and if you meet a hot lady along the way, consider the possibilities. The two of you aren’t locked into a committed relationship — I hope — this early in the game. If so, you really need to loosen the commitment so she doesn’t take you for granted.
Hey, you asked for my opinion. That’s what you got. Take it or leave it. Oh, and thanks for the nice words. — Queenie