I’m a 34-year old, never-been-married woman who has been dating a 38-year old divorced man for almost three years. He has been divorced for five years and has a 10-year old son. We have a wonderful, loving and trusting relationship (I’ve met his entire family, gone on vacations with him and his son), but we have hit a plateau in that I want to move the relationship to the next level by getting married but he is hesitant.
He said that he doesn’t want to get married. When I said there’s your answer, he said “I mean, I don’t want to get married now.”
He told me that he is afraid of losing me and afraid of being alone, but that if he’s going to make a change in his life he doesn’t want it to be because of that reason. He then asked for 4-6 weeks of space to think things through. It has been three weeks and I have respected his request for space by not speaking or seeing him during this time.
When we began this relationship, he said that he would be open to marriage. He also said that he was being given a second chance at love and family. He has always been very open and honest with me, but I think he does not know why it is that he does not feel the urge to take things to the next level. He asked “how do you know when it’s the right time to fish or cut bait?”
Because he wants to always be honest with me, the relationship has gone through a series of push-and-pulls of affection. Just a month ago, he had asked about taking a family vacation (his mom, my dad, him and his son). He also professed that he was “truly in love with me” which is something he finds hard to say when he is unsure about our future together.
Then a 180 degree change in his behavior occurred the following month. I surmised it was because our 3-years together was coming up. It has also been six months since we last brought up the discussion about marriage. I never issued an ultimatum and am not a demanding person. Do you have any advice for me? ? Confused
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If neither of you takes any action, your relationship will never move beyond the level it?s now at. You’re not satisfied with it being a dating only relationship after all these years, but he’s grown comfortable with how things are.
If he gets married again he knows he once again assumes the responsibilities that come with marriage. So far he’s been able to avoid this type of commitment but now he has to decide just how much he is “truly in love” with you.
He said he’s afraid of losing you and afraid of being alone but he doesn’t want to “make a change in his life” (is he afraid of saying the word marriage?) because of that? Those are the very reasons that most people get married! They are valid reasons to get married!
If at the end of the time that has been allocated for his decision he decides that he’s still not ready, what do you plan to do? Give him another year or two or three of your life? And then push once again and then accept that he still isn’t ready? At what point do you tell him that it’s time for him to “fish or cut bait”?
It’s your life. Decide just what you will accept from the people who are most important within it. — Queenie