Dear Queenie, I am currently in a long distance relationship. We have known each other as friends/roomates/dated a little for over a 20 year span. He’s 52 and I’m 48. We have decided to get married (neither of us has been married before, I have had two long term relationships, but I don’t think he has) and I am to move to Tampa as soon as I can obtain employment.
Here’s the issue: He works 3rd shift and doesn’t call me as often as I need in order to feel connected. I am not asking that he call every day, but when I call him or e-mail I expect him to return the call in a timely manner ie; the next day and I’ve asked that he not go 3 days without touching base. I’d like to know that he wants to. Please note I am very independent and not at all needy, but I do need to feel connected on a regular basis. I may hear from him 2 or 3 times a week.
We have had several conversations about this and it improves for awhile, then 3 days go by and no phone call. He gives me the same excuse, he works third shift and “What you want me to call you everyday!!!!” He then usually gets mad at me and I end up feeling like crap with my needs still not being met. This same 3rd shift excuse comes up when I want to be amourous more than he does and he gets very irritated if I push. I have suggested he get on another shift and he says he cannot afford to be stuck.
I am having serious doubts about this relationship and picking up my life and moving there, he’s says once I get there it will be different, but I don’t see how. Please what would you suggest as my frustration level is through the roof. Am I asking too much? – Sincerely, CW
Dear CW, things will change if you move there: you’ll be roommates again and you’ll see each other on a daily basis which may or may not make the relationship better. That may resolve the 3rd shift not enough contact issue. It won’t resolve the hurt feelings if he pulls away from intimacy because he’s tired but it should give more options as to when intimacy occurs. Or it may be too much closeness for one or both of you to handle.
Let’s be realistic, today’s job market sucks. What happens if you don’t find the job you want? Do you settle for any job offered to you? Do you still move? Is the marriage on hold or off altogether?
As far as the long distance keeping in touch issue, perhaps I go for quality over quantity but two or three good phone conversations a week would definitely make me feel more loved than daily calls from someone who had to be forced into making those calls. The same with emails. Maybe he just doesn’t have a lot to talk about. Is this a long term issue between the two of you or something new? You have 20 years of history, has he changed or have you?
You say you are independent and not needy but then you say that because he doesn’t call when you want him to, he isn’t meeting your needs. Are you meeting his needs by pushing for something he doesn’t have a need to do? Or are you looking for a reason to back away from the type of commitment marriage would require?
At 48 and 52, why is marriage now in the picture? If he’s never been in a committed relationship (other than this long term friends/roommates/dating one with you) why would he need to get married? Same question for you, why do you now need to get married? Which one of you popped the marriage question? I’m going to take a wild guess and say you did. If I’m correct, why?
As you see, I have a lot more questions than answers about this relationship. Are you asking too much? I don’t know, are you? — Queenie