Dear Queen of Hearts, I have a major and strange problem with myself in my relationship. I have always been a pretty emotional person. It all started with my childhood. I would cry all of the time.
I had major seperation anxiety from my Father. Whenever he’d drop me off at pre-school, I’d cry for hours, usually hiding behind a shed on the playground. Other kids would make fun of me and taunt me, making me cry even more. Kids in general didn’t like me much growing up, until about the age of 15 or so.
At that point, I realized that I couldn’t continue having the insecurities, feeling the “need” to be liked by others whatever the cost, and I made changes. I became tough, very strong and confident. I guess, I came to love myself. How I did that, I’m not sure. I just felt that was a right of passage that many people go through.
I’ve had 3 or 4 boyfriends serious boyfriends since I was 15. One being very long term (7 years). In these relationships, I always felt like I “wore the pants”.
I was told that I was unfeeling sometimes, that I was an “atypical” female because I didn’t cry or get upset easily.
Now, I have a boyfriend and we’ve been together for 7 months. He’s 30 and I’m 26. Well, this relationship is so great, and we are in love with each other, except one thing is going on. Yep, I’ve somehow become that little six year old again. I am so emotional with my boyfriend, I cry when we have problems and/or argue and I feel like I can’t contol them. I feel needy with him, and I feel very attached.
I’ve noticed sometimes that when I leave him, I get that seperation anxiety feeling again like when I was a child being dropped off by my Dad. My boyfriend thinks I am too emotional, and I wish so bad that I could be strong and “wear the pants” like I did with my other relationships.
Every other part of my life is stable and the same as it’s always been. I am strong in every other relationship and with my family. I am the same confident go-getter at work. But with my boyfriend, I just don’t know how to STOP the damn crying and emotional breakdowns. Any advice? Please help! — Kenna
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Kenna, if I had to take a wild guess I’d have to say that perhaps this man has enough traits similar to your father’s that being with him is bringing out those childhood patterns. Don’t take that as absolute because I’m not qualified to psychoanalyze the situation.
This is causing you a great deal of grief and it could harm your relationship. Why don’t you get some counseling to figure out what’s happening here? — Queenie