Dear Queenie, I am 20 and single but engaged to a girl who I have been with for about a year and 3 months now. The problem is that I have realized something about this relationship that is making me question everything I know.
Last year before I met my present fiance, I met a wonderful girl who for purposes here I will call Em. Em and I became friends, and as time passed by, we continually got closer and closer. Then I met the other girl (I’ll call her Li) and let myself get into a relationship that seemed good.
Li had a great way of making me feel stupid and ugly and unwanted, when I in return gave up a lot for her, and gave her everything I had (I seriously found my bank account empty on two occasions and realized at one point that I had spent more on her in 4 months than I had on myself in the past 2 years).
But that was okay becuase something about being with Li felt right and eventually, I got her to calm down (for the most part) after threatening to leave her. But I’ll be honest, I think this may just be temporary. What occured though, is that at one point, during one of my worst arguements with Li, I talked to Em and realized that I am and have been in love with Em.
A lot of the qualities that Li pretended to have and displayed were qualities that are really present in Em. But after that arguement, Li basically had me apologize (even though it was honestly not my fault) and we got back together. A couple of days following that, I was talking to Em before her class, and as she was walking off to her class, saying goodbye, I held her hand for a second, I looked in her eyes, and without thinking, almost said “I love you.” to her. I caught myself right before the words came out, but I think I possibly saw the same thing in her eyes. Things between us got ackward after that.
So I am left strugling to determine whether I should stay with the girl I am engaged to and possibly miss out on a girl with whom I share much more in common with and may honestly love; or, leave the one I am engaged to, possibly sending her into a downward spiral which could possibly lead to her becoming promiscuous or druguse once again, and tell one of my closest friends my true feelings (or at least what I think are my true feelings) when she may or may not reciprocate said emotions.
Along with this question: what should I do about the engagement ring (almost a $1500 diamond) if I decide that it is best to end my engagement? — Debating what is best for me or best for all
…………………………….
What’s best for you will end up ultimately being best for all. When you commit to one person but have feelings of love for another, you hurt everyone… yourself included. The person you marry should be the only one you love, not someone you marry because you’re afraid that she’ll become promiscuous or start abusing drugs again.
What do you possibly think she may do if you marry her and then leave her once you realize you have made a mistake? Marriage should be a lifetime commitment. That is the only way to enter into it… for life. Think about how long that is and do you really want to spend “forever” with someone you love less than someone else?
Regardless of whether or not “Em” feels the same as you, you don’t love “Li” enough to marry her. The things that bother you about her won’t improve with marriage, they will intensify.
It’s your life so it has to be your decision but if it were my life I’d end the engagement and after a reasonable period of time I’d date Em and see whether there was any future for the two of us. As far as the engagement ring… if she breaks the engagement she should return it to you but if you break it then letting her keep it seems like the fair thing to do. Just my thoughts, of course. — Queenie