Dear Queenie, I have been seperated for over two years know. I dated a little bit after my seperation and the last time would be about a year and a half ago but I was still kind of a mess then.
I finally feel like I’m ready for a relationship or a date. The only thing is I don’t know where to start. I’m not a kid (over 40) and even when I was I hated the bar scene.
Friends and family keep telling me to do things I enjoy and it will just happen. Which I am making an effort to get out of the house and re-attach myself to society, as people keep telling me I need to get “out there”. I’m not sure where “out there” is but I don’t think I going to like it.
What prompted me to send this email is I had a dream someone was holding me last night and I woke up thinking I missed the way that felt. Do you have any suggestion for me on where to start? Places to go or books to read? Sincerely, JS
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Yes, JS, jumping back into the dating pool after being married or in a long term relationship can be quite intimidating. Add to that all the hot young bodies on the guys and girls and it’s enough to make anyone over 40 want to hole up in a cave!
First of all, you use the word “separated” and not “divorced.” If you’re not divorced then you really aren’t ready to get back into that dating pool. Get the legalities done and the “me” work done and then take the leap.
If, however, you actually are legally divorced (or were never married) and have been for a year or more, just relax a bit. There is no time frame for dating and the more pressure you put on yourself, the more anxious and desperate you’re going to appear. Your friends and family are right — if you just start doing things that you enjoy, you’ll meet people that enjoy the same things and a few of them will be men that you’ll find date-worthy.
Bear in mind that as confused and anxious as you are, men are the same. They, too, have come from stressful separations and divorces and they’re sure that no one is interested in someone their age, with their particular aging problems, etc. So, open your eyes, look around, and be kind when you notice some guy who is looking your way but is too afraid to come over and say “hello.”
Where to go? Start with the things that interest you: hobbies, things you’ve always wanted to try, trips, cruises. Do volunteer work, go back to school, get a part-time job (if you’re not already working), change your career if it’s no longer fun, join organizations within your community. Learn a craft, join a sports car club (you don’t have to own a car, just be enthusiastic about the cars), take up golf or tennis. This is a short list that you certainly can build upon.
You have to enjoy being with “you” before you can enjoy being with someone else. I have several friends who enjoy their own company so much that they could care less if they ever meet a serious companion.
Take it slow, don’t stress about your “faults” because we all have them and don’t compare yourself to the flawless creatures you see in the media. Real people are much more fun to be around. — Queenie