Dear Queenie: I have got a whale of a predicament! I have been dating my boyfriend for 7 months, as well as having him live with me, but a man from my past has entered the picture once again. My mom introduced me to my boyfriend and we were inseparable. However, for the last 3 months, our relationship has been increasingly tense and my sexual drive towards him is decreasing into nonexistance.
We had many full-blown fights where he would say that Maybe it isn’t working or that he should get his own place, which shockingly excites me. I am a student and the cost of rent does get pricey and tight on the wallet strings.
In the beginning of the school semester, I had been running out of resources so my boyfriend kept saying how great it would be to live together – even getting my mom in the agreement. It got to the point that he started saying that he wouldn’t be able to see me but for once a week/2 weeks if he continued living 45 minutes away and finally I ‘caved’.
To this day, I still don’t believe that I was or am ready for that level of commitment, but how do you tell a man that you don’t want to live with him, however you want things to remain the same? Especially to an overly-sensitive man.
Then there was the kicker… He always told me that he would never keep me from going out and that he respected my space, however, I informed him that I was meeting with a male friend downtown to catch up and that we were going to walk his dog DOWNTOWN. He put up the BIGGEST stint! He yelled; screamed; pouted… and all for wanting to see a friend in broad daylight! Needless to say, I was not impressed by his behaviour. And his behaviour could not have stemmed from not trusting my faithfulness, as he is also quick to agree on.
A few days later, the other man entered the picture.. or I should say that I entered his picture. It started as an innocent Facebook message commenting on a photo I had seen of him and within a day, I got hooked on him. I have known him for over 3 years and he has been in love with me since we met.
I can remember a time last year when we were swing dancing-esque to a live band and he told me that he had been waiting 2 years to hold my hand. He says that he is mad at himself for not being open with me before, and has regretted it each time he had seen me around town.
I had placed an order on boots through UPS that was to be delivered to my hometown 2 hours away and it was my last available day to pick them up before they were shipped back, so I made plans to meet with him when I went home, hoping that my interests would disappear. I thought that I was unhappy and since I did not get involved with him years prior, that I was interested because of my situation.
However, before I left for my mom’s place, my boyfriend put up this HUGE argument over wanting to go with me. Usually he does come, but I was so fed up that I needed time to myself, so again, we fought over my needing space. When I saw the other man, I could not believe how silly I was to not be with him before. We played Super Nintendo until he fell asleep and I was hooked even more! I have seen him once more within a week (again, kicking butt on the Nintendo) and it has reduced me to silly, constant text messaging. I’m scared that if I wait too long to decide that another girl will catch his eye.
He knows about my boyfriend and that I wanted to be friends, but it’s getting harder each time to look him in the eyes and not kiss him. For the last week, my boyfriend has been behaving better and apologizing for keeping me away from my friends… when he is not bickering at me, he really is sweet. Always opens doors and writes poetic love notes.
I just feel horrible wishing that he would move out and give me space but at the same time, that he would not leave me. Also, he constantly reminds me that he loves me more than anything and that if it weren’t for me, he would have moved back to his hometown. He lays some thick lines on me and I feel so guilty because of it when I don’t feel the same way at times.
Please help me clarify my own mind by being reassured by your words. I believe that I do know the answer, but my troubled mind needs reassurance. Sincerely,– A lost mind
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You’re living with one guy because you needed someone to help with the rent and you didn’t know how to tell “an overly-sensitive man” no when he suggested living together, but the relationship is turning rocky because he’s not respecting your space.
Then there’s the other guy you’re seeing, the one in “your space”, who knows you have a boyfriend, who you’re afraid some other girl will get if you don’t act quickly.
Tough situation. How do you keep them both, the boyfriend you’d like to have as a lover, and the live-in boyfriend you don’t want to lose? Since the other guy knows about your live-in boyfriend, maybe you should tell your live-in about the other guy.
If it were me, I’d break up with the live-in, wait a while, and then start dating the other guy. But, this is you, and you have to work this out. — Queenie