i have recently split up with a man that i thought i was in love with, we were very happy most of the time. but he had a friend that died a year before i met him, they where very close. i felt that he had not had much time to gieve, and wanted to support him. we talked lots about her, and death, it made me very sad. sad for a girl to die so young, and sad for her family.
over the duration of our relationship i started to realise that he was in love with this girl. and that maby the way he felt about her went beond friendship, he put on a pedistol. he told me that he loved me many times. some times i felt a bit suffocated by the intensity of his love. at first i was scared to let him inside me, i did though and loved him too. but when he talked about his friend he would say things like “the sunshine reminds me of her” and she was the most perfect person, i will never met another person so perfect” he told me that he wanted to die so he could be with her.
he holds down a very good job, and is popular and confident, so the people around us had no idea that he felt this way. i beggan to feel like in some way what he had with me was not enough. 2 and a half years afetr her death he went to scatter her ashes, with her family. he did not want to see me after that for some time and shut me out when he let me back in, he would not say that he loved me any more, and i felt that i could not be with him as he was hurting me too much. it’s more complicated than this but i can’t write it all down.
i am doing a degree in art and over the course of my relationship with this man, i have neglected my art. i became aware of this and felt that i had to end it, split up with him. it has been very hard. i miss him very much, and he tells me he misses me too. we have made love twice since we split up and that has made matters more complicated.
last week i told him that it would be better if we did not see each other for a while because the wounds are still very open and we are confusing each other deeply. i have asked him if he will go to see someone to help him with his friends death. i feel so confused and quite frankly do not need this right now. thank you for taking the time to read this and maby you can help me, if not it has done me some good to get this off my chest. –anna
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Anna, grieving has no set timetables and he may not get over this girl’s death for years. You are wise to suggest that he get counseling and you are also wise to concentrate on yourself instead of getting more involved in this relationship right now. Be his friend but don’t expect a lot more from him until he has worked all the way through the grief he feels over her death. — Queenie