I need to know if I should tell my boyfriend that I had sex with his close friend. It was a huge mistake. We were both drunk and otherwise impaired, and during and afterward, I cried and freaked out about the fact that it was happening. I did not initiate it, but I didn’t stop it, either. I went along.
The friend had sort of implied that it was likely that my boyfriend was cheating on me, and was in fact probably cheating on me that very night. I know that he has in the past, but that was a long time ago (at the start of our relationship, 2 years ago), and we have broken up (for 2 months about 8 months ago, and he dated someone else) and reconciled since. In the light of day, sober, I don’t think it’s true that he is cheating on me now.
The thing is that during it, I also told his friend that I had slept with someone else the week before. I know this all sounds like I don’t care about my boyfriend at all, but it’s exactly the opposite. He is the only boyfriend I’ve ever had, the only man I have ever loved, and I can’t imagine being with anyone else—both times were gross, horrible, nightmarish.
I strongly believe a factor (not an excuse, but a factor) in it is the fact that I was recently raped and now just sort of get myself into bad situations and let things happen that I don’t really want. The man who was not his friend who I’d slept with the week before hit me and bit me, and I didn’t even really know it was happening until after. (I was very drunk). I was just going to forget that ever happened, but now this. . .
I don’t know what to do, but the person I have always been is vehemently opposed to cheating of any kind, and I feel like even though he would never want to be with me again, my boyfriend deserves to know because he doesn’t deserve to be with someone who would do this. But at the same time, I know I am *not* someone who would do this, even though I did.
His friend begged me not to tell because he is staying in town with my boyfriend for another week, but I don’t know if I can live with myself without being honest. On the other hand, I worry that it will only hurt him, and it’s not anything I had ever thought of doing or want to do again.
I want to marry my boyfriend. I feel like I would have to tell him sometime, then, if we stay together to that point. Isn’t that true? Or if I never do it again, should I just let it go and let my boyfriend keep his peace of mind? Is that fair?
Also, if I have to be without my boyfriend as a friend right now, when I am still going through everything associated with the rape (legal, emotional, etc.), I honestly think I may become suicidal. But if I wait to tell, I think he would think even less of me. Please tell me what you think I should do. — Renee
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Renee, you have an alcohol problem and a low respect for yourself. You need help getting back to a better mental/emotional place than you are now and I can’t give that help to you. Are you getting counseling because of the rape? If not, you should be. Joining an Alcoholic Anonymous group wouldn’t be a bad idea either just to give you some insight into what your future might be like if you keep abusing yourself this way.
Should you tell him? I honestly don’t know. You seem to think if you tell him he’ll leave and maybe he will. Neither of you have been angels in your relationship, so maybe there isn’t enough good foundation for it to survive.
Perhaps you need to get some counseling first, work through the rape and your other issues and then, if he hasn’t heard about it by that time, decide whether or not you should tell him.
One thing is for sure, sex and alcohol aren’t the answers to life’s problems. You deserve better, but you have to take the steps to make things better.
Just my thoughts. — Queenie