Dear Queenie, first I should make it clear I didn’t start this whole thing–my BF did and what started out as a silly conflict became a serious problem.
Basically, he discovered a few weeks back that in my senior year of college (I graduated last year) I had taken judo classes for the year and he thought this was really funny b/c I don’t look like, I guess, a “typical” jock chick–that is. I’m not muscular or buff or whatever… i’m your stereotypical “girly girl” in appearance–tall, skinny, blond hair, blah blah blah and I’m like 125 lbs… so he’s laughing at me, calling me “judogirl”, etc., and I was fine w/all that, if a little annoyed, but then he made a mistake: he challenged me to a wrestling match… and I beat him.
He outweighs me by like 50 lbs. and is pretty strong but he didn’t understand that my judo skills would use his strength against him and he just couldn’t believe I won. I figured it was a one-time deal, but he was so bent out of shape that he challenged me several times since then, and I defeated him every time. It would be OK if he didn’t take it so seriously, but he just became this mean pouty jerk after losing and kept challenging me even after I refused to wrestle him…But refusing to wrestle just made him angrier and he would say stuff like “you’re just afraid i’ll figure out your ‘tricks’ and win”…totally annoying!
I considered just faking it and letting him win but I didn’t do that b/c I’m proud of my skills, wished he would be too…plus when he baits me w/all this “you’re just a girl” crap, it gets my goat and i’m more than happy to throw him to the floor and pin him when he gets too tired to fight me off…
I know it seems like a stupid problem but our relationship was seriously affected by it–any advice? Thanks…
……………………
Judogirl (and I say that with much respect), there’s a little more here than him being mad that you can beat him in this display of strength versus skill. Yes, you could just stop rising to the challenge but now that you’ve beat him he needs to show you who is “dominant” in this relationship. Beating him has made him feel extremely threatened. You, on the other hand, are showing him “who’s boss” by pinning him until he’s helpless and gives up.
Should you “let him win”? Would he believe he did or would he think you’ve let him win? What about in the future when you have a disagreement, then tell him he’s not so tough, and pin him again just to prove it?
The time to keep this from turning into a problem has long passed. He needed to challenge your capabilities in a very physical sport and you had a need to accept his challenge and prove yourself. You could have refused. He might have stopped baiting you.
Are the two of you “equal” in your careers, future goals, earning power? Or are you outdistancing him there also? Or do you have the potential to do so if you put your mind to it?
Some men can’t deal on a long-term basis with a woman who is more successful that they are in the things they consider “man’s territory” — physical prowess, earning power, and even intelligence.
My thoughts? Take a serious look at your relationship. Is this incident just one of many in which you have “won” the challenge but “lost” the game? What do you see in your future with him? Will you have to “back down” and “let him win” when it comes to excelling in critical aspects of your life?
Does he want to be the superior partner in this partnership or can he be happy if/when your successes exceed his? Will you have to be a “girly girl” and let him be “macho man” in order for this relationship to be successful?
Will his insecurities limit you in the future or will he be proud of you being “the best that you can be”? What about you? Can you be proud as he excels or will you consider each of his personal triumphs to be another “I can do better than you” challenge?
By the way, I would probably have pinned him for that “just a girl” comment, too. — Queenie