I hold a very stressful position in the US military which has recently required me to be away from home for months at a time. During these times apart my wife of 6 years has wrongfully accused me many times of cheating. She has been so paranoid that she will randomly call up my friends from work to validate every detail of my story in order to try and catch me in a lie.
The way she treats me makes me feel indifferent about the prospect of cheating on her. In a way I feel as if I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Flirting with the idea for the very first time, I took another woman out for dinner and drinks. Nothing came of it, only friendly conversation.
Later I told my wife that the whole experience made me feel even more committed to our marriage. However, my wife was devastated! She finally had the proof for which she had been searching for all those many months. She now had proof that I was interested in other women.
I am still away from home with the military and she hasn’t spoken to me since. She won’t take any of my calls. She has refused the airline tickets I bought for her and my daughter to come meet me in Hawaii. She hasn’t even told me how she feels. Does she think my date was more than drinks and conversation? I don’t know.
I feel sorry that I took another woman out on a date but I feel so frustrated in how my wife is over-reacting. Is she really upset or is she just trying to hurt me with a passive-aggressive type of vengence? She is acting like our marriage is over. What can I do?
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I was right on the same page with you until you decided to “test the waters” by going on a date. The date meant you were open to whatever might happen and that’s where I have a problem with your actions. And, telling your wife was beyond dumb. Damned if you do.
Maybe your marriage is over. I don’t know what your wife is planning but her actions to this point make it seem she isn’t interested in trying to salvage anything.
Why would anyone go to such lengths to confirm that their spouse was telling the truth if there wasn’t some bit of previous history they were basing their suspicions on? Did you cheat at some point in your relationship? Even once?
Her calling work friends to check that you were telling her the truth is wrong. It gives co-workers a bad impression which you don’t need.
Again, I don’t know why she’s doing what she’s doing. And, it’s your opinion that she’s over-reacting. As far as telling you how she feels, doesn’t her refusal to see you or talk to you give you the answer?
So, what should you do? As long as you’re away from home I don’t see much you can do except to continue to call or stop calling and see if that generates action from her. When you do get home, see if she’ll go with you to marriage counseling — if you want to save the marriage. Otherwise, I’d say you need a good lawyer. — Queenie