ok my best friend of nine years and i are finally in a relationship. the problem is that now that we are coming to our one year anniversary we are becoming dull-especially in the sex department. i mean he is the most wonderful man but we both rushed the whole him moving in with me thing so what i’m asking is how do i tell him that we need more space to ourselves without sounding like i want to breakup with him? it’s really hard since i’ve seen all his past relationships fail due to them cheating on him. he smothers me and i like that but how do i get some freetime without him? i need HELP! – Jennifer from honolulu
………………………………..
Jennifer, do you want to break up with him but not sound like it? Or would having more of your own time make you happy to be with him for the long term?
You listed four complaints about this relationship and this man: 1) he’s dull sexually, 2) the two of you moved in together too soon, 3) you need more space, 4) he smothers you. Can you offset each of those with something positive? If not, maybe the two of you need to go back to being best friends. Unfortunately, that’s easier said than done.
All those years that the two of you were best friends, did you share your innermost thoughts with each other? I’m going to take a huge leap of faith and believe that there wasn’t any sexual involvement during the time he was with other lovers even if there was a bit of sexual chemistry. I’m also going to ask how much of himself did he share with his lovers if he was your best friend during his other relationships? Were you the “just friends” girlfriend his other girlfriends felt threatened by?
Getting back to those innermost thoughts, do the two of you still have that ability to share everything? I’m guessing not or you would have already told him that you’re feeling a bit smothered and that you would like more “me” time than you currently have. Those are honest and valid feelings.
The one place to stay away from the honesty is about the dull sex particularly since that’s just as much your fault as his. Sexual relationships start with lust but with time and familiarity the lust either turns into comfortable intimacy or dull sex. Dull sex to a woman may mean there’s little or no foreplay to get her engine going, and comfortable intimacy doesn’t mean passionless sex when partners are honest with each other about their own needs as well as open to sexual exploration. Sex toys, videos, erotica — they all have their place in a sexually adventurous relationship.
Decide whether this man is Mr. Right or Mr. Right-Now. Your answer should determine the path you take. Just my thoughts ~ Queenie