Hey, how’s it going? I came across your website in error this morning by clicking on the wrong thing; however, come to find, I found a wealth of information ~ some very entertaining and some which have provided a lot of insight in the story I wanted to share with you this morning. Here goes.
I am a 36 yr. old [divorced] female, professional career, rent a house, no kids, 2 dogs, 3 cars, enjoy life, have worked both East & West Coasts & have been through, several long term and short term relationships in my life. I got married & divorced very young. I am attractive, smart, funny, great personality, love to make people laugh, have a wealth of admirers and love life. But now, I want more.
I met my boyfriend, where I work, 2 ? yrs ago. In the beginning, I was not attracted to him, however the more he chased me, the more I obliged and finally began dating him and eventually, grew to love him. My (45 yr old) boyfriend has been divorced twice, the last one being over 12 years ago.
He has 3 daughters, 2 from 1st marriage (which lasted 4-5 years) and 1 from last marriage, which lasted 3 months. He is an extremely sociable man, well groomed, funny, smart, great personality, loves life, loves his family & children and is a good person from a good family.
Over the past two years, he has talked of getting married “numerous times,” so many I cannot count. He has talked of having children with me, getting his vasectomy reversed and “can’t wait to have a kid or kids with me”. He tells me over and over for the past 2+ yrs that he can’t wait until we are married.
I have questioned him numerous times throughout these past few years about ‘when’ we were going to get married, about ‘when’ we were going to start planning, about ‘when’ all this was going to take place. The answer I always get is, “he is committed” to me 100%, he loves me, he can’t stand the thought of being without me, no woman has ever made him feel this way, he is excited [physically] EVERY single time he is with me, just being around me.
He is also in the middle of a court case with his home, which he purchased with his last girlfriend of 5+ years as a “business transaction”. The relationship went sour and she moved out of the new house. They agreed to split the house at that time, but papers never flew and nothing was finalized. Now, 2 yrs later, the girlfriend wants ? the house for what it’s now worth, even though has verbally agreed to take ? of what it was worth 2 yrs ago, and now the whole thing is in court and has been for almost a year.
My boyfriends states that there is A LOT of money riding on this house [over 300,000] and that as soon as the court case is finished, we will be able to get married and he’ll have the money he needs to do what he feels he needs to do: pay off bills, buy the ring, have his vasectomy and everything will be perfect once he has “the money.”
My whole future life is riding on the supposed outcome of this house and his need to think, plan and accomplish. It ain’t never gonna happen, you know? At this point, I am not willing to rationalize the house as a catch all of answers to my questions and concerns, delaying fulfillment of my needs. What I understand he’s saying is that we can’t get married until all financial transactions are rectified. What do you think?
I don’t know what to do. I feel I’m worth more than what’s being offered to me*a lifetime of waiting for ‘this guy’ to get himself together was not in my plan. I love him very much, I love his family, I love spending time with him and I want to marry him and have kids, but I have needs and expectations too and ongoing, they haven’t been met.
I have been willing to forego my needs to meet his needs and implement HIS plan for a long time now. What do I do? At this point, I want to break up with him until he gets his act together, but I don’t know if I’m making the right decision.
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Let’s talk about that house and the court case. Maybe she did agree to split the house 50/50 some years ago but she never got that money so she’s owed the current value of the house… logically speaking. Put yourself in her place, you buy a house with a guy, the relationship goes sour, you’d like to be out of the relationship and have your money to go on your way, but for whatever reason (his delays, her delays?) you’re stuck.
You’d deserve today’s market value split because if you’d had the money when you should have gotten it you might have invested it and made a profit (or maybe not). So, look at it as though it was going to be your money and don’t hate her for not settling for less in this busted business deal.
Now, that gets us to what is keeping this case in court? Isn’t he willing to pay her the fair share for her half of this house? If so, then it’s his fault that your relationship isn’t moving any closer to the commitment you want. Otherwise, he’d “do the right thing,” settle with this prior girlfriend, and get on with his life with you.
His track record isn’t so great, two divorces, some long term relationships that haven’t worked out, and now what might be a good stall technique to keep you from walking when he isn’t ready for the ultimate commitment of marriage.
The age factor doesn’t really bother me too much except that he already has several kids and despite what he says he may not really care whether he has any more. You, on the other hand, are in that “ticking biological clock” zone that makes you want to build a nest and make babies. Fair or not, men can make babies no matter how old they are but women don’t have that same ability.
Don’t try to analyze what you think he’s saying, come right out and ask him if he’s ready to get serious about a life with you and if so, to do something about it. It’s your life, it has to be your choice to either stick around or walk away and see if he follows. At least that’s what I think. — Queenie