His Child With His Lover
We have been together 9.5 years. Have four beautiful children. He has his career, I have mine. We just built a beautiful dream home and moved in in January. Yet, I come home three weeks ago to find child support papers posted on my door from the Sheriff. Total devastation hit me. I had absolutely no clue. Shame on me for not knowing he had a eight month old little boy.
It kills me to think about it. He says it is “over” with the other woman and him. That she, in fact, has someone new. But he knew this whole time that she was pregnant. He even took the paternity tests. How ignorant I was to think that we had the ideal dream and were happy. He knew before I drew up the blueprints for this house. It makes me sick.
What confuses me to no end is that he is such a great person. He is a wonderful father (to our 4), helps me with homework, baths, cooking, cleaning, you name it, he does it. I will come home from work with dinner on the table for us. People thought he was such a blessing to us. Then this.
My feelings are so confused because he has done this before. As sick as it sounds, we went through a lot with a previous affair. But I forgave him and he “swore” it would never happen again, etc. Now he is begging me every day not to leave him. BEGGING.
And I don?t know what to do. I know he will do it again. How can he not? How can he keep a CHILD from me? This little person growing up without a daddy being around each and every single day and him just keeping him a secret makes me wonder exactly what kind of father he is in the first place.
I am so confused. Do I stay or go? I have always been SO anti-divorce. I cant imagine not growing old with him and not raising our children together. However, what kind of man am I married to?
Another thing. He has always been a flirt. A horrible flirt. I would find phone numbers in the laundry. Of course, he never thought this is cheating. I do. I strongly disagree. We would fight about that a lot.
Now I have no choice but to think, what else is he hiding that “I just haven’t found out yet?”. My trust and heart is broken and this time I feel like there is no repairing it. Any suggestions would help greatly. — Wendy
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Wendy, you ask what kind of a man is he. He is the kind of man who promises one thing but does another. He lies and he cheats. Unfortunately, you love him and probably in his own way he loves you, too.
What you must ask yourself is will you be better off with him or without him. Can you live with a man you don’t trust? Or can you forgive him — again — and trust that he will not cheat again?
Essentially it comes down to what you want to do because it’s your game now. He made his choice to cheat and now it’s your choice to react in the manner that suits you best. You do have control whether or not you believe it. But it has to be your decision, not the decision someone else makes for you because no one else has to live your life but you.
Before reacting, take time to think about your options. Decide what YOU want, what YOUR goals are, where YOU want to be in ten years, twenty years, etc.
And before you make your decision, consider getting some counseling to work through the emotional issues you’re dealing with because of his actions.
Don’t take his cheating personally — he’s the one who can’t keep a promise, not you. — Queenie