I am a 45 yr old woman, married 22 yrs with one child. I know I love my husband and he loves me, but….back in HS (where I met my husband) there was another guy. We were very close “buddies” back in those days, and even said we cared more for each other on one occassion, back then. He often told me I was the one for him and that I broke his heart. He let all our circle of friends know how he felt, yet, we remained close friends.
I always believed he had a “fantasy” crush on me and never wanting to hurt him, I thought his feelings were sweet but not reality. I sometimes wished I could trust his words to me so I could pursue “something” with him, but I never did. In our final contact with each other before I married, he wished me well and said “if you ever need me, just call”, that sort of thing.
I never made a move to pursue his friendship or act on my growing feelings for him after that. I feared hurting him and/or breaking up with my future husband who knew how this guy really felt about me, so even having him in my life, as friends, as we always were, was not possible if I was to continue my relationship with my future husband.
Well, we hadn’t seen each other or spoken to each other in over 20 years, but that never stopped me from thinking about him. On his birthday, someone who resembled him, a place where we all used to be…whatever. I thought this was all normal. I became concerned when I began to have dreams about him that were full of heartache for me, the real deal!
I hadn’t been fighting with my husband, but I was going thru some new changes in my life (a child and a new business). The dreams were always the same. We would be in a large place with many people ( a concert, a festival, a town meeting) and I would ache for him to acknowledge me, but he never would. Those dreams stopped after a few months, but the pain stayed. I knew then that I truly missed him.
Recently, he made contact with me. He did this now because last year I called his mother to talk about a problem I was having with my son. (His mother has contacted me several times over these last 20 years to say hello and such. I knew she was always fond of me and thought that her son and I belonged together. I had never told her until last year that I thought I would’ve been married to her son, not my husband.
I was always surprised by the way things turned out. She even showed up at the church on my wedding day, crying. Not a spectacle or anything, just sweet. Her presence that day, although I was very happy and was confident in my choice, acknowledged deep feelings of loss for her son in my life after that day.)
He is married as well, 20 years with 3 girls, and lives about 20 minutes from me. We met for drinks/dinner at a local resturant. My husband said I know you miss him and you should go. I couldn’t believe how nervous I was. My husband thought it was funny, I didn’t, but, I didn’t tell him that. We met, we laughed and the evening was not as awkward as it could’ve been.
We looked at pictures and talked seriously about how much we really cared for each other back then. We even talked about the dreams we both had about each other over the years. He told me that he wanted to marry me and that he had no idea that I he was even in the “running” back then, and that if he had known he would’ve done something about it.
He told me I was beautiful so many times that night and stared at me quite alot and apologizing. He told me he always loved me and probably always will and had tears in his eyes a few times. He said “I don’t want to leave here and not see you again for another 20 yrs, so if you can’t be my wife, I want you in my life as a friend”.
I feel the same. I believe that is what I missed so much, he has a HUGE heart, and sees alot of our old friends, including some of my husband’s old friends (we all went to the same HS).
My question is this…Since we met again, I have been in alot of emotional pain. I think it’s like a “mourning” feeling of loss. I assume it’s for what “could’ve been”, but, I’m afraid that small piece of my heart that he has owned for all my life was “jump started” and I can’t stop thinking about him. I contacted him by e-mail the next morning.
I cried thru the entire process of writing it and being a “semi-intelligent” person, you would think I wouldn’t have sent it in that highly emotional state,but, I did. It didn’t profess “love” or anything to him. I wanted to thank him for contacting me after so very long and to tell him that “he was one of the best guys I ever knew and how happy I was that he has turned into the wonderful man I knew he would be.”
I mentioned that I cried over the “emotional” things we said to each other, but, as we had agreed that evening, these “things” needed to be said. I closed by saying that “good friends should clear the air once in awhile, dont you think?”, and said “bye for now, keep in touch”.
He has not e-mailed back…I, of course feel I made a mistake by opening up to him now, even though that night,he opened up plenty. It is not a “physical” attraction for me, nor for him I’m sure (I’ve gained over 70lbs in those 20 yrs!), but the “heartstrings” are definately there. What am I looking for? I think I’m going crazy…could this be a mid-life crisis? My husband is now suspicious. I am crying whenever I am alone and having trouble eating & sleeping. I went 20 years without this guy in my life, why do I feel I need him now? — Di
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Di, you’re both married. Marriage has its high points and its low points but it’s reality. Your high school boyfriend is fantasy. He’s the “what if” that didn’t happen and right now shouldn’t happen because neither of you is free to pursue a relationship of the type you’re playing with. Perhaps he didn’t respond because he knows how dangerous this could be for his marriage. Or perhaps his wife saw your email and he has a lot of explaining to do.
You need this guy right now only if you need to destroy your marriage and create more havoc for yourself than you can ever imagine. Let the dreams go. They’re a high school girl’s fantasy. They aren’t appropriate for a woman whose husband isn’t the guy she’s dreaming about.
If you just have to pursue this, divorce your husband first and then see whether or not this guy feels the same about you as you do about him. That’s my opinion. — Queenie