Dear Queenie, I am a woman who had body odor, due to a medical condition, in the past. I have worked hard to get my health back and it was no walk in the park. However, the harsh treatment which I received from others due to this problem has scarred me, for life I believe.
No guy who knows of me would ever date me and the way some of them treat me is reminiscent of being on a school playground. Nobody plays with me, if you get my drift. And they laugh at and sneer at me openly, publicly, in groups.
So, while in another city I met a guy who has no idea about my past. I have been having a long distance relationship with him. I know the rumor will get to him, or, if not to him certainly to his friends and family members. I figure they may not tell him if they hear it, but only try to get rid of me in an undercover (cruel) way and ridicule him.
I am scared witless remembering how everyone else treated and continue to treat me. I’m just afraid that a) I’m misleading him. I am attractive, but he doesn’t know that I’m a basically a joke to many men. b) He’ll feel betrayed by me, misused and scarred. c) Other women will judge him in the future for having dated me. d) He won’t want to be seen with me anywhere. He’ll be ashamed of me.
I have experienced moving to another city and know that it only takes one person to start rumors and put their spin on something. Most don’t seem to care that it was a medical condition anyway. It’s just hilarious to everyone, dehumanizing to me. And I know how quickly everybody just joins in the fun of behaving badly toward me. If not for a desire for a relationship, I could live just fine with the harassment, but I do want a relationship and I do feel like I am in a desperate position. I also don’t want him to feel that I am desperate.
How can I survive a relationship? — Annabella
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Annabella, I have taken a long time in replying because I have been having a difficult time coming up with what might be an appropriate answer for you. I’m not sure I have one yet but I feel that I do need to respond in some way.
It is terrible what children will do to each other, how deep the wounds goes, and how long the scars last. Ridiculing your body odor problem is the same as ridiculing someone who has a physical or mental deformity. It is mean, petty and cruel, but it happens.
When someone is victimized this way they have very little option but to try to forgive those small-minded individuals who would torment another person this way. They’re ugly inside and that’s their deformity, something that is much uglier and more unpleasant than body odor (in my opinion). Ignorance in adults is even uglier.
Is your medical situation under control? Is the body odor a thing of the past? If so, there should be no reason that anyone you meet now would feel a need to terminate a friendship because of a problem that no longer exists. If this new man is worth your time, he will not join the ranks of small-minded individuals from your past.
I think your earlier experience has made you super sensitive around new people. You’re afraid that your past will catch up to you and turn everyone you meet against you. Occasionally that will happen but only when you meet someone who isn’t worthy of your friendship, someone from the small-minded world.
I think there are a couple things you can do right now:
1) Get some counseling to improve your confidence and self-image. Your inner child is hurting badly from the abuse of the past and you need to give that hurting inner child some lessons in self-esteem. You’re a good person, attractive to men and maybe a threat to other women which could explain some of that current animosity.
2) Talk to this new man, tell him about your concerns. If he’s worth your time he won’t turn small-minded. If he isn’t worth your time, he will. Get everything out in the open but don’t make a really big deal of it, because in the overall scheme of life, it isn’t a big deal.
Don’t let this consume you and keep you from having a wonderful life with someone. Life’s way too short to let small-minded, mean-spirited people occupy space in your world.
That’s what I think. I hope something I said has been useful. — Queenie