Hello, Queenie: When my wife and I were dating about 10 years ago, she used to say that if one of us was ever disabled, the other one should be free to pursue other sexual partners.
Flash forward to today. I am miserable. About a year and a half ago, my wife came to me with a proposition to engage in a relationship with another man — a co-worker. She said we discussed this possibility before we were married, and that when she referred to disabilities, I should have understood that she was speaking beyond the literal. She said that for the past several years, she has not felt any passion for me because I failed to take the time necessary to fulfill her sexually and emotionally.
This much is true. For five years I worked nights six days a week for six months of each year, in addition to my share of housework, child-rearing and gardening. I also became more enamoured of Internet porn when I became frustrated by my inability to bring my wife to climax. During this time, my wife worked part-time, but really had no other social contacts in her life.
Back to her co-worker. As it turns out, she couldn’t get going with him anyway, because once he proposed the idea to his girlfriend, she threw a fit and threatened my wife.
OK, it’s a year and a half later and here we are today. Because of my failings, I have given my wife permission to experiment as she deems necessary. But she hasn’t done anything because her coworker wouldn’t talk to her. She is sexually willing, but distant. However, we are still good friends who can laugh and play and enjoy our children.
She attributes her lack of sexual appetite to birth control pills, and plans on getting snipped. She says she’s hoping being off the pill will reignite her because right now, she doesn’t feel sexual, period. A hormone checkup revealed nothing out of the ordinary.
So here’s the rub. I have learned (through subterfuge) that her coworker finally contacted her, but won’t consider a physical relationship. Her comment was, “Well, his loss.” In addition, she has another male “friend” whom I know she secretly finds a turn-on but would never pursue because he’s married. Nevertheless, they speak about very intimate issues in both relationships. She says he’s encouraging her to stay in our marriage.
The upshot is that my wife seems to have the hots for every guy but me. (She doesn’t know that I know about the coworker calling her) Her attitute is that I’m a great guy who doesn’t deserve this emotional turmoil, but that there’s nothing she can do now since I put her in this position in the first place. She says I’m free to leave anytime I want, but that she is trying very hard to find her feelings for me again. We have two kids, ages 8 and 2.
I accept my responsibility, but am starting to feel lied to and like her pain is more of an excuse for her to have carte-blanc whatever she wants in the relationship. Should I give it more time or get out? — Rob
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Hi Rob, it sounds as though your wife is trying every way she can to have single benefits while still having the security that marriage offers.
Quite frankly, when she came up with the “disabled benefits program” while you were dating, that was the time to run. If I’m wrong, please correct me, but I believe the majority of marriage vows say something about “in sickness and in health” and that applies to fidelity as well. When you agreed to her dumb plan she knew she could push it further and that’s what she has done.
You deserve a satisfying sex life and I don’t see how you will get it with a woman who says you don’t sexually excite her. If you were unable to bring her to climax, SHE should have told/shown you what to do to finish the job!!
Can the two of you get into counseling together? You deserve much better than you’re getting and she needs to get either 100% into the marriage or 100% out of it. Counseling might put a spark into your physical relationship or uncover the true reasons that things aren’t working between the two of you.
If she’s ready for anything with anyone but you, it isn’t a hormone problem, it’s something between her ears. Just my personal opinion, and, of course, I could be wrong but I don’t think anything would justify sex outside of marriage. — Queenie