Hi Queenie, my boyfriend for 7 years is now keeping a distance from me. My brother passed away last June. He died suddenly with a condition that the virus was attacking his heart, damaged his heart muscles and caused heart failure. Since October last year, my boyfriend has been telling me that life has been difficult and he would like to keep a distance, because my brother died stupidly (my boyfriend thinks that my brother did not take care himself well and being irresponsible and caused my parents, my sister and I suffer for the rest of our lives). My boyfriend thinks he does not deserve to be with a “sad” family.
I have lost my brother and I can’t face any other significant loss. At least I don’t think I can manage if I lose this 7-year relationship.
I am not a prefect girlfriend. I am quick-tempered, argumentative according to my boyfriend (I am trying hard to be right or defend for myself maybe). Honestly I try very hard to keep a comfortable place for my boyfriend. He is a typically guy – messy, no house-work and always playing sports. We bought a place together about 4.5 years ago. I put down the downpayment and he pays mortgages. He lives there alone.
Before my brother died, I have asked him to marry me for few times in the past few years, no solid answers have been given back to me. I told him that it is important to me that we get married. We have no financial issue. He claimed that I need to fix my temperment before he considers to marry me.
After the incidence and reading many relationship books, I learn that I should seek happiness before rightness and my temperment has calm down as I know life could be short. Life has been tough but I learn to enjoy again.
My boyfriend still thinks my family are always sad. I have tried to explain and demonstrate to him that my family can re-enjoy life. Of course, there are times we are down because we still miss my brother very much. My boyfriend also claimed that I have not been spent time with him since my brother died. It is true. I was over-worried my parents. I am better now. I can leave my parents and spend more time with him.
I am ready to move in with my boyfriend though my parents may not fully agree but I am ready to try my best to explain to my parents and his parents. However my boyfriend is not agreeing with the idea. He just said ‘I can’t leave my parents.’ What should I do? Should I keep trying to save this relationship? or should I prepare myself to leave this relationship? Do you see that I have a future with this man? When should I stop trying?
Sometime I am so depressed and sad – just crying and crying, because when I need him the most, he is not willing to be there. I cook for him and clean up for him – but I do not know if I should be doing all these things for him. I feel so cheap something because I am begging for his love. He said my brother caused grieving from everyone and I will not know how sad he was with my brother’s death.
My action plan is to demonstrate to him that I can enjoy life again, I will move in with him shortly (I am thinking to give him another 3 months and I will raise the idea to him again). Am I on the right track? I will also try not to be such a hot-headed person. I am not sure my effort will pay off. I have lost someone very important in my life, I cannot take another loss now.
Thank you for your help.– Ivy
……………………………………………
Ivy, why shouldn’t you mourn the death of your brother? And why should your insensitive boyfriend set time limits on how long he’s going to allow you to mourn or your family to be sad? Frankly, his thinking is flawed in a major way.
I think your “boyfriend” is taking advantage of you and doesn’t want to marry you. You have been together for seven years, he is living in a house that you put the down payment on, and he won’t commit to marriage? This guy has everything he wants right now and it seems the last thing he wants is to get legally tied down.
If it were me, I’d tell him to give me my down payment back and then break up with him — for good. You need someone who has empathy, who loves you for who you are, and who won’t take advantage of your good and generous nature. This guy isn’t it. He’s right, he doesn’t need to be with a “sad family.” And you don’t deserve to be with a poor excuse of a boyfriend.
Just my opinion, of course. — Queenie
PS: My sympathies on the death of your brother.