The Promise: Marriage, there is no other relationship that can manifest all that is good than when two hearts come together as one. Such a union is so very powerful; it embodies the depth, power and joy of love. When it truly works it transcends all that can be adequately described by words.
At the same time, there is no institution (marriage) that is more disrespected and defiled. There is no gift that is more unappreciated. There is no seed left more unattended, and no opportunity more missed. Yet the strivings to enter its doors remain as consistent as its failures. Such strivings is the best demonstration of an underlying drive, which has faith in the promised possibilities of marriage at its core.
Such striving toward marriage is also our best indication that it is much larger than the two people it immediately surrounds. It holds much more than what is seen and felt. It can be life’s most rewarding journey by which we have the opportunity to experience the world not through our eyes only. Perhaps it is because of the promise marriage holds why the emotional pain can be devastating when betrayal occurs.
A core tenet of marriage is fidelity. Yet adultery is most citied as the primary reason for failed marriages. Make no mistake that “emotional adultery” is just as serious and can also do serious harm to a relationship. However, there are marriages that have survived the serious blow that infidelity caused to its core foundation of trust, and have even emerged much stronger. The question is how?
For the purpose of this discussion let us not dwell on familial issues, or needs tied to gender differences, demographic realities, social structure, cultural issues, etc. The intent is certainly not to devalue any of these underlying issues (as they pertain to your situation they will certainly need to be addressed), but marriage is the most personal and intimate bond between two people, and when betrayal occurs very little thought is immediately given to such issues.
So let us instead focus on the immediate crisis. What to do I do if it happens to me? How do I get through the pain?
When it Happens to Me:
It is important, for the one who is betrayed to understand that you should not face this situation alone. Yes, you will need to be concerned about whom you seek out for help and advice. For example, there may be family members who will be opposed to the final outcome, whatever it might be, and will therefore offer little support when needed. This is added emotional stress that you should try to avoid.
You may also be concerned about not damaging the image or status of your spouse, especially if you have children. However, these considerations should not stop you from securing help.
If you have a religious affiliation this is the time to seek out spiritual guidance and instruction. Professional counseling, even if it is brief in duration and does not include your spouse, for now, may also be very helpful.
During the period of discovery is not the time for the injured spouse to make life changing decisions. This would be analogous to experiencing a head-on collision and somehow stumbling into a bank to discuss a new business plan. You must give yourself some time and some distance from the initial shock and devastation.
Your emotions are highly charged, you could even feel physically sick, and your coping skills may well be weakened. You will need time to fully digest, face and deal with your intense feelings of betrayal, anger and even blame. Time will be your best ally as you work through your intense emotions.
Taking Inventory of the Damage:
You and your spouse are individually taking inventory of the extent of the damage to your marriage. This “inventory of the damage” may take some time. As the “injured party” your emotions will lead you to feel very differently toward your partner.
There will probably be new considerations of things you are willing to do or not willing to do, in relation to your role as spouse. You will need to think this through and communicate different rules and expectations during this period.
As you reflect on the event unwanted thoughts will haunt you and intrude on your few moments of peace; new pieces of information will surface and you will soon realize that there are unexpected health concerns, STDs and HIV/AIDS, which you must face. Take action to find answers to these possible health issues so that this source of anxiety can get resolved.
There are certainly enough reasons for a profound sense of sadness to begin to engulf you, as the weight of the consequences of this one act seem to be unending. But in your darkest moments believe this, you will not always feel this way; you will survive and claim victory over your life; this pain will eventually pass.
One of the secrets to enduring a painful experience is to understand that it is temporary and while you are going through it you must continue to be an active participant of life. As bad as you might feel, this is not the time to be idle or mope around feeling sorry for yourself.
Force yourself to seek out new projects, preoccupy your time with enjoyable activities, and behave as if things are fine; because in time they will be. Trouble has a way of transforming and strengthening its victims, but you must do your part. Do not allow yourself to stay preoccupied by the sadness of this moment.
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. “ ~M. Kathleen
During the “inventory of the damage” period an honest reflection on your relationship prior to the event is in order. Such reflection should focus on the quality of the overall relationship and may include questions such as:
- Was there a real sense of closeness and love in the relationship, or was it a troubled marriage where problems and issues were never addressed?
- Was your spouse committed to his/her children?
- Do you love your spouse?
- Do you believe that your spouse loves you?
Underneath the hurt, there will remain a truth about your feelings for your spouse that only you will know and understand. This truth will be one of the most important factors in determining if the relationship can be repaired and restored.
Another critical factor is your children. If you have children you do not have to be told that the situation is just not about “us” (husband and wife). Children tend to accept blame for all of the problems between parents. It will be important to be as honest as possible without sharing the hurtful details.
You may at some point forgive your spouse, but this betrayal of trust can be a bit much for a child to handle, and may result in long-term consequences. To say, “Dad and Mom are going through a difficult time right now, as many married couples do, and it has nothing to do with what you did or did not do” does not ignore the tension and anger that surely exists and offers some small level of reassurance.
Such reassurance, about the problem not being their fault should be provided as often as needed. Make sure that your spouse is communicating the same message.
An important consideration when evaluating the damage to the relationship is how your spouse appears to be feeling.
- What is he/she communicating about the situation?
- Is there genuine remorse, or lack of, that your spouse is communicating verbally and/or non-verbally?
- Is he/she fighting to save the marriage?
- Has the infidelity stopped, in no uncertain terms?
- Does he/she consistently demonstrate a willingness to do whatever is necessary to save the marriage?
- Or are you being blamed for his/her infidelity?
The Issue of Blame:
For women the issue of blame and how some women tend, even now, to accept responsibility for acts against them, reflects an unkind history in relation to the treatment and attitudes held toward women. If, at some level, you are viewing yourself as being responsible for the offense, then the offender is receiving a pardon for his behavior.
Understand that accepting blame for your husband’s infidelity eliminates one of the necessary preconditions for the healing process, should you and your spouse decide to work on repairing the relationship. This precondition involves an honest look at the offense and an acceptance of responsibility by the offender. An expanded look at this complicated issue will be presented in the next article.
Acceptance of a Decision:
At some point both you and your spouse will move toward acceptance in relation to the fate of the marriage. The seriousness of adultery is viewed as a justifiable reason for divorce both legally and biblically, as marriage is intended to be an exclusive bond. Therefore, a decision to terminate the marriage due to adultery must be respectfully viewed as a legitimate option.
However, marriage is also intended to be a lifelong enduring bond, able to withstand disappointments, tribulations and attacks. The process involved in moving through the pain may bring you to a place where you seek to repair and restore your relationship.
Do not feel ashamed or belittled about arriving at this place. Because your marriage has suffered a serious blow does not mean it is not worthy of another chance.
The Process of Forgiving:
Once you have made a decision to save your marriage, you must begin the difficult process of forgiving your spouse. The most important step toward healing a broken relationship is forgiveness and this is a tall order given the degree of pain and anguish suffered.
Meaningful forgiveness is thoughtful and purposeful and seeks new solutions. In forgiveness a new beginning can be found and a stronger foundation can be laid. The process of forgiveness will require:
- A truthful and honest view of the offense without minimization or exaggeration;
- Genuine demonstrations of regret and remorse by the offending spouse and an understanding of the pain and suffering caused;
- Release of the offender, by the betrayed, of any obligation to make up for his/her offense; and
- Release of bitterness and harbored resentment as a result of the offense.
This process helps to put both you and your spouse in a frame of mind and spirit where you both can begin to seek ways to work on restoring the relationship. However, this is a process which requires a level of emotional maturity, may span a period of years, and will experience peaks and valleys.
Fulfilling the Promise:
As mentioned in the beginning, marriage is much larger than the two people it surrounds; therefore, seeking spiritual guidance and instruction and/or professional help cannot be emphasized enough. Additionally, there is an opportunity here to finally deal with issues that may continue to cause damage to your marriage if left unresolved. There will be hard work ahead but the reward could be a GEM of a relationship.
“The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning.” ~Ivy Baker Priest
Lisa Paisley-Cleveland, LCSW, CEO Sharpervision Consultants, LLC Dedicated to helping adults improve skills for positive and healthy relationships at work and in their personal lives.
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