My wife and I separated, and she has found her happiness away from the marriage. I was happy in the marriage.


Last conversation, she admitted she was never happy during our 12 years together. She won’t discuss why she stuck it out other than to say, “I’m a bitch. What can I say?”

I have both good and bad memories from those 12 years, and now I feel I don’t know how to cope with them. If I thought it was good and she thought it was bad, how do I remember our time together? How do I get rid of those memories?

I am in the second month of a yearlong wait for a divorce, and I am struggling with being alone. I feel like a fool for being tricked all these years. At this point I don’t see myself ever trying another relationship, but I am so lonely each day is 100 hours long.

I haven’t found a way to reinvent myself into a social creature who makes friends. Do you have any suggestions?

Luke

Luke, your wife married you with a list of reasons she thought added up to love. It was only a matter of time before her list failed her, and she told you the truth. Don’t bash yourself over this. Her secrets don’t change your memories.

When you leave a child’s plastic swimming pool in one place too long, it squashes the grass. When you finally move the pool, the grass below is yellow, damp, and sparse.

But once the pool is moved, the sun shines on the grass, the air flows over the grass, and the rain waters the grass. In time the grass lifts toward the sun and becomes lush and green. You are like the grass under the pool. In time you will grow once again.

Start with the basics. If you can’t remember or figure out what makes you feel good, what you are interested in, then you need to reconnect with yourself. Perhaps for now, all you can see is that one thing feels a little better (or maybe not quite as bad) as something else. Always pick the better over the worse.

Choose what seems like the better course for yourself. Eventually following the path of greater awareness will get you where you want to go and give you the happiness you deserve.

Tamara