I am separated from my wife of eight years. Basically she had an affair and moved out. I’ve started a new life for myself, and I have a love for life I haven?t felt in years.


I have been going to counseling so I wouldn’t carry baggage from my first marriage into future relationships. My counselor told me to wait two years from the time of my divorce before getting into a serious relationship again. I asked why, and she said I might use a new relationship to avoid pain, or make the same wrong choices that led to my first marriage.

But she hasn’t given me a reason why it must be two years. I don’t intend to date until the divorce is final. I know I need to end this relationship before starting another, but I have a real problem with the “one size fits all” philosophy.

Scott

Scott, you are right to be suspicious of one size fits all. It makes as much sense as saying: The average Australian makes x dollars, you are an Australian, therefore you make x dollars. You can’t wrap your mind around it. Common sense won’t let you.

The “two year rule” has been around for at least 40 years, and we have never seen empirical evidence to support it. Some people coming out of long dead marriages are ready to date immediately. Other people aren’t ready or capable of being successfully involved even a decade later.

Become a student of great relationships. Look for those couples who have a strong connection to each other. Form a model in your head. This is what you are looking for. Don’t settle for less.

Also, study those relationships which fall short of what you want. What do you know about your relationship you wouldn’t admit to anyone else? Before her infidelity, something was wrong. What was it? What are others doing and accepting that you don’t want next time.

When should you start dating again? When you, not anyone else, feels it is right.

Wayne & Tamara