I am in college. Back in the spring I dated a guy, and we became tight. Shortly before we met, his ex-girlfriend broke up with him. I heard it was because “he knew what he wanted, but she wasn’t sure.” Within a week she was dating someone she’d dated before.


Fast-forward to us dating. From the time we met she begged him to come back. She’s from his hometown, and when he went back there, she talked him into going to the movies with her. The following weekend he confessed to me he had feelings for both of us. I asked if they kissed or anything. He said, “No, but I don’t know if I wouldn’t have, if she’d tried.”

That summer I was going on a mission trip for two months. I knew even if I could keep him until then I would probably lose him. So I told him I wouldn’t date someone who likes two people. Fast-forward to the present. He and I attend the same church, and his girlfriend comes to visit every other weekend. I try to act normal, but when she’s here I can hardly look their way.

She’s a backstabber, so trying to be her friend isn’t much of an option. Anyway, they are talking marriage, but I have friends who have seen him practically staring a hole through me, even while sitting with her. Does this mean something? I hate to see him stay with someone out of habit rather than love, if that’s the case.

Beryl

Beryl, imagine you’re in a store trying to decide between two pairs of jeans. One pair makes your derriere look nice, but they’re too short to wear with heels. The other pair has the perfect length, but they’re loose around the seat. The clerk says the first brand doesn’t come in a longer length and the second brand doesn’t feature a snug fit.

That’s his dilemma. He’s with her, staring at you. With you, he’d be pining for her. What you share in common with the other woman is neither of you is a perfect fit for him. What you don’t share with her is that she is determined to buy a pair of pants today.

The psychologist Dan Gilbert, author of “Stumbling on Happiness,” observes that nearly every creature ever studied-from rats to pigeons to people–puts a premium on present happiness at the expense of future happiness. The present feels real in a way the future doesn’t. Faced with a choice between $50 today or $60 next month, nearly everyone wants the money now.

So students party the night before a test, couples have sex without a condom, and women think a wedding will make all their New Year’s resolutions come true. Most of us can’t envision the future correctly. If you can, you have a chance for happiness. What you need is the right man, not this man right now.

Tamara