Advice at FRIENDS & Lovers

‘Surviving Divorce’

He’s a 40-year-old father of two pre-teens who is getting ready to end a 15-year marriage. He’s looking for books and guidance to help him through the process of leaving his marriage and setting up a new home for himself and his kids when they come to visit. He hasn’t told his wife he wants a divorce yet and already is considering going into debt to comfortably outfit his new home.

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I knew before I got married the first time that marrying the man I did would be a mistake. We had nothing in common, and I can’t even say we were ever friends. We dated off and on for several years and even that didn’t go smoothly. We just weren’t a good match.
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An advice columnist advised a woman to attend her son’s wedding and show class in dealing with her son’s demands regarding her role in the wedding reception. In other words, dance with her ex, pose for family pictures, smile whether she felt like it or not, and let the son have his special day. I thought it was pretty simple advice, except that:
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It’s completely impossible to predict what the future holds. I certainly never would have guessed that I’d be promoting my own book on national TV. All it took was two divorces to get me to the Today Show where Gay Courter (my co-author) and I shared the spotlight with Stephen King and Demi Moore!
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It is not easy to give up the life and the dreams that you thought were going to last forever, but when your husband or wife is no longer sharing that life and those dreams you have little choice.
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“I love him and I don’t want to lose him. I am so desperate to save my marriage!” It’s a familiar plea… the need to force a husband or wife to stay in a marriage they’re attempting to flee. Some marriages never should have begun at all while others are built on the weakest of foundations.
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As you work your way through the black hole of divorce, memories of particularly good times that you and your soon-to-be-ex husband or wife shared together will surface. You may hear a song, or find a photo, or someone will say something that triggers the memory. The pain will get deeper, or your anger will grow stronger.
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She wanted to know how she could move on after her 19-year marriage ended when her husband left to be with someone from his past. The marriage hadn’t been a good one for quite a few years but it took her a long time to decide that she’d rather be out of it than deal with all of its dysfunction. What she was having trouble with was moving past the memories.
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What was happening in your life a year ago? Were you happily married? Were you contemplating divorce? Were you separated but not yet divorced?
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Has someone ever said to you “Oh, but it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” expecting that to put a positive spin on your divorce? In other words, maybe you’ve lost love but that’s not as bad as never having been loved. No doubt they mean well, but it’s a fairly clueless comment to make to someone whose marriage is ending.
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Logically, I know that the holidays are no different than the rest of the year and if you’re having a bad year it probably won’t get any better just because everything you see and hear suggests this time of year is just naturally full of warm and fuzzy feelings. Emotionally, though, I really want to believe that something magical will take place at this time of year to make those warm and fuzzy feelings a reality.
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When I remarried, I moved into my husband’s home. My home, on the scruffy side and in need of much repair, sat vacant after our marriage. My husband and I thought it might make a nifty place for visiting friends and relatives to stay but it didn’t work out that way.
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When divorce ends your marriage, you may believe your situation is unique and unprecedented. For you it is, but millions of people are dealing with and surviving divorce every day and you can, too.
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A little over 20 years ago I was feeling sorry for myself. I was divorced and my new relationship was having a few problems, my job wasn’t going as well as it could, and minor irritations were getting blown out of proportion. I remember thinking that things couldn’t get any worse.
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It’s a wonderful thing to be in love with another person. Before your marriage fell apart you knew what it was to be in love and loved by someone else, didn’t you?
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