Advice at FRIENDS & Lovers

‘Children And Adult Children’

Her mother and stepfather are in the process of divorce due to his affair with a coworker. She says her mother is depressed and trying desperately to get her husband to come back to their marriage. She wants to help her mother but feels that there’s no hope for the marriage and she’s getting tired of her mother’s questions when she sees her stepdad.
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Every marriage with children that ends in divorce will produce some level of “was I not good enough” in the children involved. What happens as a result depends upon the maturity of the child, as well as the maturity of the parents.
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Divorce brings out the worst in men and women. Whether grabbing at straws to keep the marriage intact, or bent on revenge, children of divorce sometimes become the most unwilling of pawns
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Generally when we think about children and divorce and the harm that divorce may have on them, the thoughts are more toward younger children. They’re the helpless ones, the ones dependent upon their parents for food, shelter, comfort.
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Here’s what she wrote in her email to me: “I’m interested in teenagers and how divorce affects them. Specifically when one parent (father in this case) divulges all information to the child and uses son as sounding board. Has created huge chasm in mother/son relationship.”
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The following are the stories of four children from three separate marriages which ended in divorce when the children were in their mid to late teens.
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Must the children pay the price when their parents stop loving each other? Divorce is an angry, painful time. That’s understandable. When two people have shared their lives and then one decides that life is no longer worth sharing, there will be enormous suffering by both partners.
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His long-term marriage ended when his wife left for her cyber lover. He was left to take care of their three children. He has since remarried while his ex’s life has gone from bad to worse. Now she’s trying to extract revenge on him for moving on without her and he’s worried that she will use the children as pawns in her continuing vendetta against him and his new wife.
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Their divorce is final and her ex is living with a woman who is still married. They share custody of their son and she thinks the son is at risk when he’s at the ex’s home.
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Not every parent is a good parent or a good role model for their kids. Decisions regarding custody arrangements should be based on what is best for the kids.
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My parents separated while I was working and still living at home (in that decade single females didn’t live away from home until they got married). Theirs had been a rocky marriage for many years so divorce was not unexpected. The fact that they remained in the same house during the separation and after the divorce made for some tense times, as might be expected.
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If you’re the mother of a teen, and you and your husband are having marital difficulties, your teen already knows the marriage is in trouble. Here are some of the things they don’t need to hear:
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If there are major losers in a divorce, it has to be the kids who are caught in the middle between two warring people they love dearly. It’s not unusual for kids to be used as bargaining chips or held for emotional ransom. Other times they must choose one parent over the other. No matter what role the child has within the family, he or she is an unwilling participant in this very brutal and emotional event.
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I never met my paternal grandfather even though he lived into his 80s. He was widowed when his young wife died giving birth to their second child, a daughter. Shortly afterward, he fell in love with a woman who agreed to marry him but wanted nothing to do with his children.
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Children learn by example. They’re always learning, not just in school, but in the home. As a parent, you teach by example. Your actions provide your child/children with guidelines for their future relationships. What kind of example are you providing for your children?
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